what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
