I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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