I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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