today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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