I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
