I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
They took my balls.
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Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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