It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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