i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
