If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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