just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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