worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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