my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
