Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
