tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
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90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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