Fuck appropriateness.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
