My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
