so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
