Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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