she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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