dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
