he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
