White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
zippers are such a cool invention
this just has baby written all over it
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
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he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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