your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
