My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
