I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
