Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Randomize