I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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