You're a womanizer and a bitch.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
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My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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