I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
