I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
