You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
