listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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