Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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