woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
