He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
