i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
