the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
