you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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