I met the friendliest cop last night
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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