I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
