I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
