I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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