Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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