I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
