The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
