final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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