The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
