My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
