the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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