i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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