Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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