just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
