the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
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I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
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I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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