I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
