there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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