Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
