I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
