Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We left an ass print on the piano.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
