First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
