keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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