I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
