Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
