Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
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DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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