I accidentally had phone sex last night
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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